I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
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Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
the three genders
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Discuss
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT