pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
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Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
new year update: losing everything but weight
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”