9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
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I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked