i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
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I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
My brain is a bad influence on me