When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
You Might Also Like
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise