I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
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Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me: