Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
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7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed