I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
You Might Also Like
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
The smoothest fall of all time
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
my one true gender
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Kids: Stay in school.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes