“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
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I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.