Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
You Might Also Like
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time