Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
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HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.