cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
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I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
waiting for halloween be like:
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.