Hey! This isn’t my car!
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“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
guilty
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s