Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
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I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.