Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
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“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight