The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
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Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
😂😂😂