Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
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My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
thanksgiving in nutshell
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Animal poetry
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?