me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
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You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
That de-escalated quickly
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.