Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
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While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book