After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
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Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…