Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
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Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
the Monday after daylight savings
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
when you order from DoorDastardly
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first