I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
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“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Erm…
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.