That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
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*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”