If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
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(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids