Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
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Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital