Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
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My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
“A little help here, Danny?”
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.