If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
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[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning