Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
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Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”