Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
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You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
They got Raph!
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.