How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
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i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
That’s amazing.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler