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My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Hilarious if literal: arms race
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.