“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
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I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
One venti cheeseburger please.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.