People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
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I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine