*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
You Might Also Like
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
My dream job is getting paid to dream
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr