I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
There are no pants in heaven.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
This is a bad sign
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?