After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
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I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.