Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
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People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
channeling her this year
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever