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Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.