*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
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Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT