“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
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5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
This could be us… but you playing
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife