me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
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What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Cake!!
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.