It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
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Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy