Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
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Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
same bro
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.