if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
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[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Weirdly Wednesday.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.