*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
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My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often