Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
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Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot