My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
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(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.