1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
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5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?