Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
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I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Life hack
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality