“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
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Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
What even happened today?
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.